Saturday, February 13, 2010
And a year ago today...I became a father.
I imagine most fathers-to-be have a feeling of "oh my goodness, how am i supposed to be dad" right before it actual happens. We'll I was no different. But I had a little dash of "How am I supposed to be dad...of a baby with "special needs" all mixed in. So perhaps an elevated height of anxiety on my part was present.
As I think back now, and play back how the day went I could almost lay it out for you all without missing a single detail. It's that vivid in my head. I mean, it's not everyday you become a dad for the first time and it's not everyday you know your son has a giant hole in his back and needs surgery on the day he's born. So yeah, not an easy thing to forget :) So without touching on every single detail I'll hit up the one's that are top on my list.
First, I had to wear goofy scrubs and had a serious issue getting my face mask on, I was all flustered and had a hard time tying it up around my head. I remember as I stood outside the operating room where Leigh was, and thinking my heart was gonna exploded out of my chest...I had never been so anxious/nervous in all my life.
then they called me in... things went fast at that point. I felt calm, surprisingly calm, I remember repeating Isaiah 41:10 to my self while holding Leigh's hand. A few minutes went by...and then I remember the doctor asking if I wanted to see the baby's face. I stood up and peeked over the blue divider and saw Grey for the first time... it was amazing!! Sure I could only see his head, but then he stared to make some noise and cry softly. I sat back down. Minutes later he was out and I remember seeing his back and thinking, "wow I thought is was going to be way more gruesome than this." You see we have a tendency to let our imaginations get the best of us when the unknown presents itself. That's what happened to me. I thought our baby was going to be a mangled up little mess when we was born. Turns out he was shockingly cute. Leigh and I were both very surprised at how cute he was minutes after being born. (sure we are biased) :) After only a few minutes with him he was taken to the NICU, and I remember breathing so much easier. Yes, he still had a long day ahead of him, but I finally was able to meet him!!! Worry melted away. I wasn't in denial or anything, I knew he had spina bifida, heck i had about 50 pictures of the lesion on his back that proved it, but there was a sense of "I can do this, we can do this. I'm a dad, I'll be a good dad."
And so I have a years worth of experience on my Dad resume, and have to say it's the most rewarding job i've ever had!
Happy Birthday Grey, I can't even say how much I love you without crying. (Oh yeah, when you become a Dad, it doesn't matter how tough or hardcore you are, you become an emotional mess)